To Be in 'Right Relationship'
What does this mean? Why does it matter?
Behind me, is 2020; a year of momentous “unprecedented” events and world-changing astrology that seems to overshadow any attempt at analysis.
To my left, is a dam wall, barely containing the overwhelming pressurized flood of ideas and words that I have wanted to share publicly - and yet have suppressed.
To my right, is this shiny new Substack platform, the receptor of my projected hopes, inviting a renewed committed effort at public communication - a wide-open, fresh start.
And in front of me, are all those who may read this!
It is at this daunting and fraught intersection that I currently find myself, unsure of where to begin.
So, I asked the Tarot: What should I write about?
Here’s what she said…
Six of Cups Reversed and Six of Pentacles Reversed: These two cards may speak to the element of balance or imbalance in relationship. There is an aspect of exchange, giving and receiving - and similar to the Six of Swords, the Six of Wands, and The Lovers, there is also a noticeable height difference among the figures represented.
When I see these cards I often wonder, is this a freely given gift? Is this genuine, sincere generosity? Is there respect for the autonomy and dignity of the other? Is there space and potential for a healthy relationship to grow with reciprocity?
The children (of disproportionate sizes) are in a secluded courtyard-type place, with a spear eerily visible in the background. Meanwhile, the person holding the scales appears somewhat judgemental and condescending as they tower over the two people begging on their knees.
I interpret the reversals as further highlighting that these are relationships that are out of balance.
What about the King of Pentacles?
In this context, I see someone who has my respect. Someone who is securely grounded in themselves while in relationship with their environment - with the living green vines that grow over their garment and their throne (note that the vines are about equal to his height). Rather than sitting high and mighty in the castle which is featured in the background, the King of Pentacles has chosen an outdoor throne. In fact, it would almost appear as though they have chosen to sit on ruins - vestiges of human ego that nature been invited to overtake with time. And yet, the peaceful-looking King of Pentacles is completely unperturbed by the seeming wilds. His abundance, his provisions and gifts, are offered freely - with wise stewardship, integrity, respect and care.
This three-card Tarot spread brought to mind the phrase “right relationship” - an intriguing combination of words which I seem to be reading and hearing about all the time these days, in a variety of fields.
Therefore, this post (and perhaps a couple more to follow) will explore what types of shifts can occur when you enter into a relational space - especially with that which is not typically considered to have a separate consciousness or personhood (such as plants, planets, distinct parts of one’s self, businesses, money, etc).
And furthermore, once you enter into a relational space and the dynamic changes, what does it mean to be in “right” relationship with something/someone?
First, I was curious where this popular phrase came from…
The origins of “right relationship” as a concept & a phrase
My efforts to find the origins of this phrase repeatedly circled back to the Quakers, a group of Christians who emphasized the importance of each person having a direct relationship to god.
John Woolman, an American Quaker and early abolitionist from the early 1700s, is referenced several times as someone who may have actively used the phrase when calling on people to live in “right relationship.” His massive Libra stellium attests to this! (Sun, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, and Uranus in Libra)
However, the Quaker principle of “right relationship” may be older than Woolman. The phrase is also referenced in association with the Quaker economic reformer John Bellers in 1695 and in this context, is described as rooted in the belief that “our well-being is connected with the well-being of others and with the earth.”
In 2009, Peter G. Brown and Geofrey Garver published the book Right Relationship: Building a Whole Earth Economy. They reference the phrase “right relationship” as a “core Quaker principle,” and in their book, they propose that an economy “based on the idea of "right relationship" offers not only the promise of a bountiful future but also an opportunity to touch the fullness of human meaning and, some would say, the presence of the Divine.”
Brown and Garver write: “A thing is right when it preserves the integrity, resilience, and beauty of the commonwealth of life and wrong when it does otherwise.”
Although it appears that the phrase itself may have Quaker roots, the active practice of living in right relationship with the world has long been embedded in the worldview and lives of many Indigenous peoples and those who live close to the land, intimate with its cycles and subtleties.
Jai Medina, “a two-spirit of mixed heritage, who traces Native lineage through Nahua and Bine’zaa ancestry of South Texas and Mexico”, has written a beautiful piece in response to the question What is Right Relationship?, which I highly recommend.
Another wonderful exploration of what it means to live in right relationship, comes from Robin Wall Kimmerer of the Potawatomi Nation and her incredible book: Braiding Sweetgrass: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teachings of Plants (2013).
I searched for the phrase “right relationship” in Braiding Sweetgrass using Kindle’s search function, but this particular combination of words was never used. However, despite never using this exact phrase, I would say that the entire book is about living in right relationship with the earth.
Kimmerer is very clear that relationship is essential to any environmental conservation effort; “restoring land without restoring relationship is an empty exercise” she writes.
Furthermore, Kimmerer writes:
“Educational events like wildflower weekends and Christmas bird counts are steps in the right direction, but they lack an active, reciprocal relationship with the more-than-human-world.
I want to stand by the river in my finest dress. I want to sing, strong and hard, and stomp my feet with a hundred others so that the waters hum with our happiness. I want to dance for the renewal of the world.”
This article is not directly about animism per se, but I think animism needs to be part of the discussion when referencing “active, reciprocal, [right] relationships with the more-than-human-world,” because…
…I’m not sure it is possible to be in right relationship with that which is considered to be an object rather than a subject?
…Or is it?
“the belief that objects, places, and creatures all possess a distinct spiritual essence. Potentially, animism perceives all things—animals, plants, rocks, rivers, weather systems, human handiwork, and perhaps even words—as animated and alive… Animism encompasses the beliefs that all material phenomena have agency…”
Kimmerer clearly aligns with this belief, which is obvious throughout the book but especially so in chapter six where she advocates for Learning the Grammar of Animacy:
“The animacy of the world is something we already know, but the language of animacy teeters on extinction - not just for Native peoples, but for everyone. Our toddlers speak of plants and animals as if they were people, extending to them self and intention and compassion - until we teach them not to. We quickly retrain them and make them forget. When we tell them that the tree is not a who, but an it, we make that maple an object; we put a barrier between us, absolving ourselves of moral responsibility and opening the door to exploitation. Saying it, makes a living land into “natural resources.” If a maple is an it, we can take up the chain saw. If a maple is a her [or a him or a they], we think twice.”
Is the King of Pentacles an animist?
I would say so. He certainly hasn’t made any effort to trim back the wild vines growing up over his throne :)
An animistic orientation to life de-centers humans within a community of persons that includes nonhumans, and it emphasizes relationality as the foundation for personhood - the capacity for “shifting interactions of continuously negotiable relational acts.” (2019; Graham Harvey; Animism and ecology)
So to summarize:
It looks like the phrase “right relationship” came from the Quakers and is a few hundred years old at least, although the concept that the phrase speaks to, dates back much farther and is a natural way of living for many Indigenous peoples throughout time. From my limited perspective, the phrase seems to have gained new popularity within spiritual, wellness, social justice, and environmental circles and discourses in recent years.
Being in right relationship (with other humans, with the earth, with the other-than-human) is facilitated by animism - because animism perceives everything in the world as alive and as having the capacity for relationship.
Animism and the concept of right relationship are often referenced within discussions about how we need to cease our exploitation and destruction of the Earth, and heal our relationship with the “natural environment.”
How does a relational dynamic shift what’s possible?
To be in relationship with someone (another subject with spiritual essence, agency and animacy), opens up a different type of space between you both; a space that is distinctly different from the space that exists between you and an “object”.
It is a shared space of interaction, engagement and exchange… that is dynamic, multifaceted, complex, reciprocal, responsive, creative, generative and magical.
It is a space that ultimately has the potential to be transformative.
In Braiding Sweetgrass Kimmerer quotes environmental activist Joanna Macy as saying: “Because the relationship between self and the world is reciprocal, it is not a question of first getting enlightened or saved and then acting. As we work to heal the earth, the earth heals us.”
Entering into a reciprocal relationship with another being, is to allow yourself to be changed by your interaction… as you receive, and as you give. As you communicate with each other, and as you listen and pay deep attention.
Kimmerer writes: “All we need as students is mindfulness. Paying attention is a form of reciprocity with the living world, receiving the gifts with open eyes and open heart.”
We can apply this wisdom not only with the living world that we typically call “nature”, but with… anything!
Lately, in regards to just about “anything”, I have been asking myself: What is possible if I enter into a genuine subject-to-subject relationship with this?
For example, in my Welcome post, my first post on Substack, I wrote that “me and Lilith-Rebellion-the-business are still working on our relationship - there’s lots of potential, but forward motion will likely continue to be slow-going as we build trust with each other. The truth is, my relationship with Lilith-Rebellion-the-personal-blog was much more comfortable. Hopefully, a consensus will be agreed on at some point (between me and LR, the business).”
Here is my illustration of what it feels like to work with LR as a project - as an object - versus as a person…
You could create this relational space with any job title, vocation, career, business, or public/social role (i.e. your chart’s 10th house).
I think doing this would be incredibly liberatory and could circumvent the dangers of our identities becoming so deeply enmeshed in what we “do.” When our identities are enmeshed in what we “do” we are at risk of experiencing an agonizing identity crisis when our “doing” is disrupted somehow.
So rather than “I am a writer”; I am in relationship with writing.
Rather than “I am a pagan”; I am in relationship with paganism.
Rather than “I am an astrologer”; I am in relationship with astrology.
Of course, it is socially much simpler to just use an “I am…” sentence when asked “what do you do?”, but within our internal frameworks, I think this tiny shift in language could be important and helpful. Even just writing out the sentences above, I could feel myself relax as I stepped outside of the rigid “I am…”, into a more fluid, ever-shifting creative space.
If you are working on a particular project (like a book, or a business launch), you could even select a symbolic date in that project’s life, cast their birth chart, and then use that to help facilitate the creation of a more generative relational space.
As with all relationships, there will be ups and downs. There will likely be conflicts and frustrations. However, by establishing a space of right relationship, there is more support for respectful negotiating, for flexibility, for creative, adaptive responses to challenges.
Two other areas come to mind, where I have applied this type of relational approach. One is with distinct parts of my own psyche. With the guidance of the Internal Family Systems Model (IFS), I have experimented with personifying and naming different “parts” of myself so that I can “relate to them” more effectively. IFS “combines systems thinking with the view that the mind is made up of relatively discrete subpersonalities, each with its own unique viewpoint and qualities” (Wikipedia).
I have noticed increased possibilities inherent in the relational space that opens up within myself - between parts of myself - when I work with traits or behavioral patterns that I would otherwise detest. This relational space also creates greater capacity for self-compassion.
“Inner child work” is probably the most well-known and popular technique that involves personifying a part of yourself as somehow “separate” - this allows you to create a relational space between the two of you (adult-you and child-you) in which you can connect, communicate and heal in a new way.
IFS techniques are obviously so well-suited to an astrological lens, which (depending on the tradition) may identify the various planetary bodies in a birth chart as distinct parts of the psyche that interact (relate) with each other via aspects like conjunctions, squares, oppositions, etc.
The other unique area where I have applied a relational approach is with money. Inspired by Carolyn Elliot’s writings on the exiled “Spirit of Money”, I entered into a different type of relational space with Money than I had occupied previously, which opened up a lot of new possibilities.
But what about the “right” part of “right relationship”?
When I think of being in right relationship, the following words are some that come to mind: respect, care and consideration, grace, understanding, trust, commitment, boundaries, autonomy, freedom, agency, interdependence, deep listening, communicating openly and truthfully, acting in integrity, balanced reciprocity.
However, I think Jai Medina speaks to the “right” in “right relationship” so beautifully, that I’d rather share their words here:
This brings me to the concept of “right” within “right relationship”: in a Native way, this isn’t about ‘right vs. wrong’—there’s no moralistic overtones, or external judgment. There’s not one way to be ‘right’, there is only your way of moving deeply from your center, grounded in your own truth, in harmony with all that is [my note - like the King of Pentacles]. The concept of rightness is about bringing yourself into alignment with the flow, knowing with humility that you are no more important than any blade of grass beneath your toes.
To be right with something is to move with a loving heart guiding all your actions, like the truest compass. When you are “right” with something, you are walking in a good way, honoring the responsibility to protect and nurture the intimate relationship that protects and nurtures you, whether that relationship is with a person, a spirit, or the earth. And of course, you have to be in right relationship with yourself, too.
~Jai Medina (you can read the rest of their essay here)
I love the last sentence in Jai’s explanation above.
Being in right relationship with yourself, facilitates right relationships with others.
How to apply the concept of “right relationship” to astrology
In a recent Instagram post titled “Planets are People too” (which was published around the time of the Great Conjunction in response to the hype surrounding it), astrologer Diana Rose writes:
“what if, instead of objectifying celestial movements in order to extract personal benefit, essentially treating these great powers as wish-fulfilling vending machines, you instead engaged with them relationally? what if instead of asking for favors, you spent the time to understand their basic natures, to learn their wisdoms, to comprehend what it might mean for you to respectfully & humbly turn towards them as beings far larger and far older and far more multifaceted than you, with your sweet human mind, could ever rightfully claim to KNOW?”
“can working with celestial bodies improve this earthly life? especially when there are especially favorable sky-conditions? yes, absolutely. but “working with” does not have to be an extractive, objectifying project. there is so much depth available in developing right relationship with those celestial people. see how it feels to say “hi” instead of handing over a wishlist.”
~ Diana Rose (check out their Instagram, or Website; emphasis added)
Inspired in part by their message, as well as my own ongoing relationship with the planets, I created the following images:
You can open up this relational space with specific planetary placements in your birth chart, the planets as they currently move through the sky - or both simultaneously.
For example, I have been intentional about deepening my relationship with my Moon in Gemini in my 10th house. Returning to public writing via this Substack newsletter has been one action that was born out of cultivating right relationship. With my Moon placement conjunct Lilith and Chiron, opposite Saturn in Sag in the 4th house, researching my maternal lineage that stretches overseas, and the wounds of abandonment and exile that it holds, has been another way I have felt called to come into deeper right relationship with this aspect of myself.
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on what it would mean, what it would look like in practice, to be an astrologer whose focus was on facilitating relationships between humans and planets…
I suspect there is much more I will share in the future on this subject. In the meantime, here’s an important reminder from the brilliant Richard Tarnas:
“Every time one sees an astrological correlation, you are in some way engaging in a kind of revolutionary act. It’s opening up the cosmos. It’s allowing the soul of the universe to speak to us. We’re opening up channels of communication between the anima mundi and human consciousness in a way that has been eclipsed by the bright light of the modern mind…
~ Richard Tarnas (on the Holes to Heaven podcast)
Who in your life, are you interested in developing right relationship with, right now? Maybe they are humans, maybe they aren’t.
What happens when you enter into a relational space with them? What shifts? What becomes possible in this space that otherwise wouldn’t be?
How do you know when you are “right” with something, someone? What does it feel like?
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